So many couples experience sexless marriages or lack of interest in sex. How about you? Do you have difficulty loving the person you lust for, and discard the possibility to have sexual excitement and true love at the same time. You may be most turned on to people who are not type of people you care to love. You are cozy but sexless. Or, perhaps you love a partner and yet have completely lost any desire to have sex with them. Various things can contribute to this such as stress from children, or after decades together the sentiment is, “I love you but I am not in love with you.” Its as if being in love is like being in lust, and just loving is platonic.
It turns out that feelings of love can actually interfere with sexual desire. The love-lust dilemma has been well documented in brain biochemistry, psychology, and sociology. Our current big relationship struggles- sexless marriages, low desire, infidelity, compulsive use of pornography, chronic conflict, and marital boredom - are all related to this fact. There is a common phenomenon that you may have noticed in your own life: As emotional attachment in your intimate relationship increases sexual desire often decreases. Yet without desire, the relationship is in jeopardy.
I believe the love-lust dilemma is not an inherent aspect of human sexuality but rather a result of society’s orientation of separating love from the passion of desire, lust. Social beliefs, attitudes, and values about sex have changed in the last fifty years and yet how our body responds to sexual feelings has not changed. Most children learned how to stifle their sexual feelings rather than celebrate sexual feelings. Feelings of fear and shame are common.
Later in life, when a romance turns into an emotional attachment, the brain and body is programmed to inhibit sexual excitement in ourselves. Any sign of disapproval or discomfort in a partner, true or not, can trigger old memories that can shut down sexual responsiveness.
This can happen easily if a partner start to treat you like your mother, father or siblings did, the same sexual inhibitions you felt for family are reactivated in light of current events. They are felt as faint visceral sensations in your adult body in relation to your partner.
Neurobiology has confirmed that automatic body-based inhibitions are triggered at on such a deep neural level in nanoseconds, that typically it can go unnoticed. You might not know what you are responding to, all you know is that you are getting turned off.
True, to enhance understanding it is important to talk about the issues of limit sexual arousal. Yet this won’t break the body based inhibitions to feelings of love and desire for the same person. Understanding alone is not enough to increase desire. Explaining to your partner what you like sexually helps, but the problem is that words keep you focused in the wrong direction.
What inhibits desire is not just a mind-set but also a body-set. These are buried habitual tensions and numbness that can block the sexual body even as your affection for someone grows. No amount of talk can unlock a closed off pelvis particularly when the underlying body response is too subtle for you to perceive.
In your heart of hearts I know you would love to have scintillating sex with your beloved, especially if it was better than ever before. When you unite passion and affection in the same person, it not only enhances your love life, but it puts more spring in your step, gives you more energy to share with your partner, and even give you a more positive personal outlook.
To have a sex life worth wanting goes beyond treating loss of libido, or getting more imaginative in bed. It involves breaking free from a socially induced affliction and evolving as individuals and as a couple. It entails exploring options to how you love and experience sexual feelings as a deep, full body experience. It also involves learning to attune to your partner so you become responsive to subtle levels of intimate experience between you and your partner.
Somatic psychology and Tantra yoga offer intelligent experiential, felt ways of deepening your understanding of these solutions. Together they combine the intelligence of the mind and the wisdom of the body to change not only your sex life, but also your love life. These body-mind practices can rewire your brain and nervous system, and keep your mind calm while your body becomes hot.
©By Zeb Lancaster